DIFFICULT TIMES
How to handle grief during the holidays
(BPT) â The holidays are meant to be a joyous time. But for someone dealing with grief, celebrations can be extremely difficult. If you are grieving over a recent loss, or one that happened years ago, experts say there are things you can do to make facing the demands and the expectations of the holidays a little easier.
âThere are no rules on how to deal with grief during the holidays,â said South University, West Palm Beach Master of Arts in Clinical Mental Health Counseling Program Director, Dr. Denny Cecil-Van Den Heuvel. âYou get to decide what is best for you.â
Cecil-Van Den Heuvel speaks from both personal and professional experience. In addition to her university duties, she is also in private practice where she helps patients deal with loss and lifeâs struggles. She also experienced a great loss of her own. Twenty-six years ago, her husband was killed in a plane crash, leaving her to raise their 5-year-old son alone. She was just 31.
âItâs not easy being a widow or having a family member die because people watch you and make judgments about you and about how you are coping with loss,â Dr. Cecil-Van Den Heuvel said. âYouâre not supposed to get over it. You donât get over loss. You integrate the loss into your life so you become stronger and wiser. You understand the value of life more from your losses.â
Cecil-Van Den Heuvel has advice on how to handle your grief during the holidays.
Honor your loved one
Finding a way to honor your loved one during the holiday celebration can be especially important, and meaningful, if the loss is recent.
âHonor the one who is not there, and embrace what no one got to experience about that person but you. That may entail going to the gravesite, or to where the ashes are spread,â Cecil-Van Den Heuvel said. âYou can even do a ritual of saying one thing about that person that they would have brought to the holiday if they had been there.â
Itâs O.K. to be sad
Pretending to be happy and cheerful, especially after a recent loss, can be a tremendous strain. âIf you choose to be melancholy and sad, thatâs O.K. â you need to mourn. A lot people walk a wide circle around it, but everyone deals with grief and loss differently,â Cecil-Van Den Heuvel said. âYou donât have to do the âchin up â everyone has to be happyâ routine.â
Itâs O.K. to be happy
Donât be afraid to take part in fun holiday activities, and donât feel guilty if you do find yourself having a good time during the celebrations.
âEnjoy the presence of those around you,â Cecil-Van Den Heuvel said.
Donât set yourself up
Cecil-Van Den Heuvel believes it is easy for those who are grieving to set themselves up to have a bad holiday. âPeople anticipate what theyâre going to feel and set themselves up to some degree to have a horrible time,â she explains. âDo not set the stage for what the day is going to be like. Just allow it to be what it is.â
She speaks of her own experience dealing with the loss of her husband.
âThere were many times that I thought âThis is going to be the hardest yearâ because it was the fifth anniversary of his death, or some other milestone. And, many times it turned out not to the hardest year despite those milestones â but it could have been a hard year if Iâd pushed it. Donât choose to go in the black hole and stay there.â
Be authentic to yourself
Being authentic to yourself is the most important aspect of grieving during the holidays, or anytime.
âAllow yourself to feel the pain so you can integrate it into your life and learn and grow from it,â she said. âNobody wants to suffer, but suffering has its purpose, and that purpose is growth. There is always going to be life and death, and we need to grow from grief rather than being victim to it.â