Letting go is not easy, but you have to move on

Andy Sibley

Dear Andy,

A few weeks ago my girlfriend of nearly two years broke up with me. She told me she loved me, and we just weren’t right for each other. I was shocked! I thought we were good. She could not even give me specific reasons why she was dumping me. I even asked her to go to counseling together. She said she needed time and space to think about what she wants. I have tried to give her space, but this not knowing “why” is killing me. I am so mad, sad and anxious that it’s affecting my sleep, I don’t want to be around friends or family, and my focus at work is lousy. I really try to leave her alone, but I get so worked up. I text her that I love her, I send her old pictures of us during happier times and text her long messages about how much I miss her. I got polite responses at first, but now she has ghosted me. She blocked me on her phone and social media. I just can’t get her off my mind. I need answers! What do I do? How am I supposed to let go when all I want is to be back in our relationship? – Signed, “Ghosted By My Girlfriend” Dear “Ghosted,”

I am so sorry for the difficult break-up you are going through. Most break-ups are hard because it is usually only one person who wants to move on. It can be really difficult and confusing to the person being broken up with when there are no concrete reasons. Most people experience exactly what you’re feeling after a break-up: loss, pain, confusion and hope for reconciliation. These people think that the only way to feel better is to focus on the reasons for the break-up so they can understand it better. They believe this will help them get “closure” or, hopefully, get back together. This is not the best way to help yourself through this.

Instead, it’s important to understand the difference between pain, which is healthy to feel in response to a break-up, and suffering, which is unhealthy. It’s healthy to feel pain because you’ve experienced a true loss, but you don’t have to suffer so much. One of the more common ways that people tend to suffer after a break-up is by not accepting the explanation given to them. The person gives you a reason, but it’s not one you want to hear or understand. Your ex-girlfriend told you what she knew. It really doesn’t matter how specific or abstract the reasons are because I’m sure that nothing she could say would satisfy you.

No explanation will take away your pain, but an unwillingness to accept the situation you’re in will prolong your suffering. You’ll spend days, weeks and months going over the “why” of the break-up in your head.

To move forward, you need to acknowledge a difficult truth: Someone can love many things about you and still not want to spend their life with you. You can be interesting, funny and kind and still not be the right partner for someone. It’s important to mourn your loss. This includes the good parts of your relationship, your ex’s personality, and the future you envisioned.

When you realize that your ex isn’t the antidote to your suffering (you are!), then you can take action to heal. You can also minimize your suffering by trying not to stalk her on social media, demanding answers or idealizing the relationship. A relationship is not ideal if one person doesn’t want to be in it. Remember, healing from this takes time, and it helps to give yourself some compassion and patience with your grief. Your goal should be to find acceptance of the break-up. Allow yourself some time to hurt.

Over the years, I have worked with many individuals who get through difficult break-ups. Whether the person was married for many years or dating just a few weeks, break-ups can be very painful. Talking it out with a loved one or a counselor can help.

Another important aspect of healing is self-confidence. Acknowledging the good things you bring to the table in a relationship and knowing you are lovable can build your confidence that you will find the right partner.

Although there is no definitive timeline for when to start dating again, statistically, dating again helps folks heal from a break-up. Some people tend to start dating soon after a breakup while others tend to need more time alone.

Don’t let family and friends tell you when to date. This is a very personal decision. I hope these ideas help and you feel better soon.

Andy Sibley, MA, LPC, LMFT is a psychotherapist in private practice and contracted counselor for “The Dr. Phil Show.” To Ask Andy a question about a difficult situation you may want advice with, please email him at Andy@AndySibley.com or go to his website at www.AndySibley.com.