Betrayal trauma is a real thing

Affairs and betrayal have always been around ever since relationships have been in existence. Many of us have experienced the feelings of shame, anger, doubt and insecurity that betrayal trauma can bring us. Yes, you heard that right; betrayal trauma is real, especially when it comes to marriage or a committed relationship. Many partners who have the experience of finding out that they have been being lied to or cheated on have PTSD-like symptoms following the shocking revelation.

Maybe you have caught your spouse in an affair or found out they have been viewing pornography behind your back. Sometimes we find out that our spouse has gambled away all our money or not paid taxes in years. In many cases, this experience can be shocking and traumatizing.

One thing that makes the betrayal worse is too much information too quickly. When a partner finds out about the affair or lies, they go into hypervigilance mode. They immediately feel unsafe and run into chaos to find safety and control. This looks like a spouse or partner asking for all the details of the porn use or all the details of the affair, understandably so! They think that the details will make it all make sense and relieve the pain.

The problem is that many people who have been the perpetrator of the lies and cheating are in a state of dissociation. Especially if they have a sex or porn addiction and trauma from their past, this means that on the spot, they freeze and give just enough information to survive because they don’t honestly remember at the moment what has happened, and they are filled with shame and regret. They have been lying not only to the partner but themselves for months or years. So when presented with intense scrutiny, they go into fight, flight or freeze!

Usually, at this point, we see a staggering disclosure take place. This is one of the most damaging and traumatic things that can happen. This is when a spouse in pain asks for all the information and then continues to find out more and more lies over months until it damages trust severely. The spouse says this is all of it and then remembers more or secrets come out that are new, and the trauma happens all over again.

As CSATS (certified sexual addiction counselors), we recommend immediately seeking help from a professional trained in trauma and sex addiction at our practice. We can work with the couple on what information is needed and what information can come over time. This method can help reduce the trauma for both parties and make reconciliation possible if that’s what is sought.

The other way this usually goes down is that the spouse who cheated does disclose all the information and doesn’t hold back. The betrayed partner is then flooded with images and details that later they will regret ever knowing because they will come to see that those details many times are not what matters in the long run. Again, the goal is to help couples over time disclose what has happened and why so that there can be closure and healing.

Due to the trauma sustained through betrayal, many try to do this on their own; this method usually doesn’t go well for either party. As CSATS, we can help couples walk through this journey and reduce shame and long-term trauma effects. We do this by helping both the addict and the partner learn about themselves and each other. We help them find sobriety, integrity and community. The couple can learn to depersonalize the trauma and shame over time and fight for their marriage again or learn to move past a toxic relationship and learn to trust again.

Many couples we have seen over the years, after getting proper treatment, state that they have a better marriage now than ever before because they have learned to be truly honest and transparent in their relationships.

So many people grow up with sexual abuse, exposure to pornography at a young age, divorced homes, emotional neglect and a host of other issues that go unresolved and hidden for years. As we walk people through recovery, they begin to understand that we all have struggles and issues and can recover from our past sins and brokenness.

Betrayal trauma often happens because unresolved addiction and trauma were at play long before the couple got married. Until those areas are revealed, healed and restored, the devil can have a foothold in our hearts and minds.

At Clint Davis Counseling & Integrative Wellness, we believe that everyone has worth and value that is internal and given to them by God. We believe that with therapy and the work of the Holy Spirit, you can recover from the pain of the past and walk into a brighter future.

Suppose you have experienced an affair or a sexual violation in your relationship and feel anxiety, intrusive thoughts, obsession, hypervigilant, gaslighted, a strong sense of fear and despair, avoidance of sex or deep shame around sexuality. In that case, you may be experiencing betrayal trauma. We want you to know you are not crazy, and you are not alone. You can recover, and you can get help.

We have a new group starting in February for spouses going through this painful process. There are women and men who want to come alongside you and help you feel safe and loved again. Don’t let another day go by without reaching out to someone who is CSATtrained near you.

Clint Davis, M.S., LPC, CSAT, CCTP, EMDR provider, is the founder of Clint Davis Counseling, LLC; gratis assistant professor of psychiatry and behavioral medicine at LSU Health Shreveport; director of recovery for The Hub: Urban Ministries. Contact Davis at 318-446-4141 or www.clintdaviscounseling.com.